old times

 

lately ive been thinkin about my old friends and i wish they were here because i know i can trust them and i know that they are true friends.........................the people who im around now dont really act like their my friends...........to me its more of their just people i know.  and after people act like their my friends and then sit thier and turn on me.........i dont trust anyone so i push people away not because i dont trust them but because i cant trust them...................most of the people i know want to be your friend so they can get stuff from you basicly use you..............................................so their not true friends and another reason i push people away is because its like i cant be myself, i have to act the way they want me to act................well if i have to act a certain way to be someones friend then i would rather not have friends because i am wo i am and no one is gonna change that!!!!!!  its just like why should i have to sit here and pick out people i can trust and i shouldnt have to but apparently i do in this fucked up place we call home but wahtever i am who i am and it will always be like that and if you dont like that then FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!

"Part of dreaming is accepting the reality that not all your dreams come true, and hope is having faith that the dreamn that dont come true will come true"

its not over

My tears run down like razorblades and no, I'm not the one to blame: it's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say come out and now we are all ashamed. And there is no sense
In playing games, when you've done all you can do.

But now it's over, it's over. Why is it over? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over,
It's over. It can't be over. I wish that I could take it back, but it's over.

I lose myself in all these fights; I lose my sense of wrong and right. I cry, I cry. I'm
Shaking from the pain that's in my head. I just want to crawl into my bed and throw away
The life I'd led. But I won't let it die. But I won't let it die.

But it's over, it's over. Why is it over? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over,
It's over. It can't be over. I wish that I could take it back.

[x2]
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart.
Don't say this wont last forever.
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart.
Don't tell me that we will never be together.
We could be over
And over, we could be forever.

It's not over. It's not over, it's never over, unless you let it take you, it's not over,
It's not over, it's not over, unless you let it break you. It's not over

>>>>>>

i just wanna go and walk somewhere and just keep walking untill i can get as far away as posible and maybe try to start a new life because i have a feeling that it will be better for me because my life right now is full or lies and stress and pain and to tell you the truth i cant handle it.....................i wish i could reverse the effects that were caused by me. i hurt people i shouldnt have hurt in a billion years i broke the promise i wrote to myself  and i should be punished for it.......................but i gotta say this.........the people i hurt i just wanna say im sorry for what i caused and i dont blame you if you hate me and done wanna have anything to do with me i dont blame you but i am really sorry i hope you can forgive me but if not its okay, i just lose it sometimes and i cant control myself.....................well i have a feeling i may have just ruined want i have worked so hard on to get............but i guess i will have to start over but i will start over with all new people, i just have to move on because i just have to its better for me...........................................

easyer

i wish life could be easyer because it would make it a hell of alot better for me.........right now its really hard for me to do anything, i keep on fucking things up but really im just trying to make things better but i end up making it worse, like at this exact time yesterday i got so stressed out that i had tears running down my face and im not afraid to say i did.............the strees just got to me i couldnt hold it back anymore...................it seems like people are better off without me because i just make everything worse so for now im just going to go back to the way i was two years ago and not talk to anyone and just stay to myself it will be better for people and easyer for me....................

-_end_-

 

 see people in this world think life is worth anything and that they would do anything to be alive...........well to me life is not worth anything and im not afraid to say it..........its like if i die tomarrow then o'well i die.......im not afraid to die because know matter what were gonna die at some point.........some people kill their selfs, some people die of natural causes, some people get murdered........its a fact that you will die at some point and you cant control that............well im not afraid if it happens it happens..............some days i wish i was dead but im not.......to tell you the truth i dont think im gonna live a long life but i really dont mind........my end is gonna be here shortly but whatever........i would rather be dead than be on this place we call earth!!!!!!!!

addiction........love

for some reason i cant let go of thing like im addicted..........i dont know why im like this but i cant control it, its like is it just me or not but like i cant let go especially this on thing i cant let go of no matter what i do its like cant i be happy and be with the person i love so much...............i just wanna be happy thats all...........i mean i may not be the perfect person but i can show that i can care and show love but right now i cant show anyone because i dont have anyone............the one i want i cant have, and i dont even know the reason why........................i just wanna be happy.............

lost

have you ever had a friend who means alot to and you dont wanna lose but it seems like your losing her faster and faster every day...........well i do and im afraid im gonna lose her for good this time.......it just feels like were slowly separating and i cant stop it and every time i go to try to stop it i just make it worse and i dont know why that happens.............i dont want it to go any farther..........she is in my heart and i dont want her to leave.......i wont be able to take it, and right now im getting to the point where i cant take it anymore.......im afraid i might have to make the choise to be friends or to walk away from eachother for good and forget everything and i dont want to do that but im afraid i might have to........i dont know what to do.......im ready to leave this earth because its causing me too much pain.........this may be my last blog so im gonna say good bye and have a great life..........im sorry

winter hell

now winter to me is like a icy hell...........its to damn cold and i like to be outside to hang out with people but in the winter i cant because its to cold..........i like it when it like cool enough to wear a hoddie but right now its so damn cold i gotta wear a fuckin 30 pound coat holy shit............and another thing i hate is this damn snow........i dont feel like shoveling my drive way......its to cold ..............i want it warm again so i dont have to sit in my fuckin house all day...............fuck winter all together and all  its damn snow and ice........fuckin causes to much problems ugh fuck..............

W.T.F

you know what i fuckin hate just about more than anything is when some dumass in your school or somewhere decides that they can say "YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK" or "YOU HAVE NO BALLS" seriously WTF is wrong with them. its like how the fuck do you know........thats just gross back the fuck of you perv's.........you never seen me so yea......so if you think you can say what size i am your fuckin wrong and i should break your fuckin face in you stupid bitch im done..........like i said im not holding my self back anymore...........................

moods........

 i hate when people get moody and just fuckin go off on you outta no where especially to a friend..........i mean if you wanna lose a friend then go ahead but alot of thing get me mad.......more mad than anyone yea i know im fucked up get over it.......i hate when people go off on me for no god damn reason WTF..........THEIR FUCKIN LUCKY because normally i will go right back off on them and then probably punch something............but in school i hold it back.........if people thing they can go off on me and i will go hide in a dark corner well their fuckin wrong and if you dont belive me come try me i dare you..............i dont put up with STUPID SHIT...........i just dont so fuckin stop..........................just like i said in my other blog im dont.......be prepared im not holding my self back anymore!!!!!!!!!!

[ un_certainty ]

right now I'm uncertain if what i want is what i actually want or if its right for me.......i don't know if i should give up and move on..........i think that might be the right thing for me..........but the thing is every time i try to move on i get flashbacks of all the good memories, and it makes me break down and not be able to move on.............all i wanna do is be happy again, i haven't been that happy since the beginning of the year last year..........i just don't know what to do, every thing right now is bad to the point i don't wanna come to school, i don't wanna talk my friends.........I don't even want to get out of bed that's how bad it is and its so stressful and the meds are not working.....not doing what they should be doing............if i cant stop this dark cloud from hovering over me then i don't know whats gonna happen all i know is that it will be bad...........i try my hardest not to show my feeling because i don't want people to see me like this........and i try so so hard not to hurt people but somehow i do and then i feel really bad about it..........I'm gonna move on whether it kills me or not maybe it will put me out of my misery..................................i just cant take this shit anymore..........................

support or don't support......

you know I'm the kind of guy who takes things really hard and I'm stubborn and im not going to change but if someone asked me if i supported their decision........it all depends on what the decision is like if my best friend asks if i support her decision about maybe going back out with her ex who i seriously don't like.......yea she is my best friend but I'm not going to support that i just cant..............knowing her she is going to get mad at me for  writing this but i don't want any part of this................sorry but I'm not going to be involved with this shit....................I'm not going to support this.............

crazy

i swear to fuckin god that this school and the fuckin people in this school make me fuckin crazy. their drivin me insane i swear im getting to the limit.........if i get pushed any farther im gonna end up being one of those kids who brings a gun to school and fuckin kill everyone and then kill myself like seriously this school fuckin sucks its like it is our own private hell......if im gonna burn everyone is gonna burn......let me get the hell outta this school..........i cant stand anymore of this drama it needs to fuckin stop!!!!!

shootin

 over the years that ive been going to mt. healthy ive noticed alot of weird and stupid shit but the one thing is the most stupid ive ever seen is that just about every black dude in this school thinks they can shoot like as in playing basketball but instead of being on a court with a basketball their in the class room with a paper ball shooting it in a trash can wtf.......its fucking trash you dumb ass.........like they say im my school "YOU SHOWED'EM".........WTF are you fuckin stupid just because you think you can shoot a paper ball in a fuckin trash can does not mean you are "A BEAST"......because most of the time you fuckin suck......get a fuckin life you lame ass motha fuckers.

: just to let you know im not saying i dont like black people!!!!!

secrets

i hate when people are keeping secrets.  lik when some one is talkin about something but they wont tell you like serious wtf if your not gonna tell me then dont fuckin talk about it around me or even mention it to me like seriously if you dont want me to know dont fuckin talk about it because then im gonna get pissed because you wont fuckin tell me. I mean what kind of friend keeps secrets from you like seriously what kind of friend does that wtf......im tierd of this stupid secret shit and frankly i wanna fuckin punch every person who tells a fuckin secret around me..................FUCK SECRETS!!!!!!!!!

creepin

i hate when you comment a girls picture and say their cute or beautiful and their come back is why you creepin like seriously what the fuck i just said you look good seriously what the fuck is wrong with some of these girl you know what next time ill just say thier fuckin ugly....hows that for a fuckin comment......some of these girls are stuck up go get fuckin laid.........

fucked up

 see in this life you have problems but see in mine im just this fucked up kid who no one likes and i hate this life that im stuck in......i wish i could just end it right here and now!!!  i cant handle all this shit that im involved in i really wish things could get better but it seems like that will never happen!!! people always say that life is awesone and that you should live it ti the fullest but really right now to me life seems like a dark whole that im in and cant get out.......i just wish i could get out of this dark whole and try to have a good life!!!  i miss my my past life and my past friends.....i wanna go back to that life and re-live it!!! i just want everything to go back to the way it was i wanna feel like im loved again i would give anything to get that feeling back.....i would do anything......im sorry but i cant do this anymore....and to any of my friends who are reading this all you gotta know is that i love you all...........

screw it

you know im fuckin done with this bullshit screw it all for all i can everyone can go to fuckin hell......this shit is fuckin stupid and im tired of fuckin being depressed and trying to make thing better so i can be happy for one but apparently i have to be fuckin unhappy.....this fuckin stress is gonna kill me........i cant fuckin take it.........im fuckin done........................screw it all..........

F*** You

 

have you ever said to someone fuck you well i have plenty of times but the funny thing is that when i say it i mean it.......other people just say it for fun like what the hell why would you say that to someone for fun are you fuckin stupid like seriously i hate when people do that........be smart and think about what your saying......but again some people in this world are stupid as living shit so they dont even know what the damn word means.........like i said me smart and not a dump punk ass..........

pissed ta hell

ive noticed as i sit hear thinkin of stupid shit people do or say is retarded like really what the hell are you thinkin o wait your not you stupid piece of shit..... see why people are always pissed while your by them well lets see i bet it has something to do with what comming out of your fat ass mouth.......how bout for one you can close that damn thing and maybe people will be more happy..........got it you dumb punk ass........

annoying

really im annoying wtf i fuckin hate when people say your annoying and and you say no im not and they say yes you are you can ask anyone......now what the fuck so basicly they are saying that they can ask people who dont even fuckin know me what the hell is that about...... if im so damn annoying then why the fuck are you my god damn friend like seriously........like get the fuck outta here....... if im so annoying stay the hell away from me or get over your fuckin self you stuck up bitch

daily life

so to day i find out some news that my ex chey has broke up with her boyfriend and i was happy they broke
up but not just because i wanna go out with her and shit but because her boyfriend is a good for nothing piece
of shit, like seriously he is a fuckin joke........i dont see what she sees in him.  like i look out for her it may not
look or seem like it but i do i dont wanna see her get hurt again.  but i was in a good mood today and hell
when i heard they broke up it made me happier so my day was pretty damn good untill.......she called me and
said her and jason were talkin on the phone so i asked her if they got back togeather and guess what she said
IDK.....WTF!!!!!!! im not fuckin stupid thats a god damn yes.  Now tell me how the fuck do you break up and
get back togeather on the same day you gotta be kiddin me that is bullshit so now im like super pissed and
and i just wanna go punch something and then go have a smoke ugh............................so fuckin frustrating!!!!!
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!