old times

 

lately ive been thinkin about my old friends and i wish they were here because i know i can trust them and i know that they are true friends.........................the people who im around now dont really act like their my friends...........to me its more of their just people i know.  and after people act like their my friends and then sit thier and turn on me.........i dont trust anyone so i push people away not because i dont trust them but because i cant trust them...................most of the people i know want to be your friend so they can get stuff from you basicly use you..............................................so their not true friends and another reason i push people away is because its like i cant be myself, i have to act the way they want me to act................well if i have to act a certain way to be someones friend then i would rather not have friends because i am wo i am and no one is gonna change that!!!!!!  its just like why should i have to sit here and pick out people i can trust and i shouldnt have to but apparently i do in this fucked up place we call home but wahtever i am who i am and it will always be like that and if you dont like that then FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!

"Part of dreaming is accepting the reality that not all your dreams come true, and hope is having faith that the dreamn that dont come true will come true"

its not over

My tears run down like razorblades and no, I'm not the one to blame: it's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say come out and now we are all ashamed. And there is no sense
In playing games, when you've done all you can do.

But now it's over, it's over. Why is it over? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over,
It's over. It can't be over. I wish that I could take it back, but it's over.

I lose myself in all these fights; I lose my sense of wrong and right. I cry, I cry. I'm
Shaking from the pain that's in my head. I just want to crawl into my bed and throw away
The life I'd led. But I won't let it die. But I won't let it die.

But it's over, it's over. Why is it over? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over,
It's over. It can't be over. I wish that I could take it back.

[x2]
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart.
Don't say this wont last forever.
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart.
Don't tell me that we will never be together.
We could be over
And over, we could be forever.

It's not over. It's not over, it's never over, unless you let it take you, it's not over,
It's not over, it's not over, unless you let it break you. It's not over

>>>>>>

i just wanna go and walk somewhere and just keep walking untill i can get as far away as posible and maybe try to start a new life because i have a feeling that it will be better for me because my life right now is full or lies and stress and pain and to tell you the truth i cant handle it.....................i wish i could reverse the effects that were caused by me. i hurt people i shouldnt have hurt in a billion years i broke the promise i wrote to myself  and i should be punished for it.......................but i gotta say this.........the people i hurt i just wanna say im sorry for what i caused and i dont blame you if you hate me and done wanna have anything to do with me i dont blame you but i am really sorry i hope you can forgive me but if not its okay, i just lose it sometimes and i cant control myself.....................well i have a feeling i may have just ruined want i have worked so hard on to get............but i guess i will have to start over but i will start over with all new people, i just have to move on because i just have to its better for me...........................................

easyer

i wish life could be easyer because it would make it a hell of alot better for me.........right now its really hard for me to do anything, i keep on fucking things up but really im just trying to make things better but i end up making it worse, like at this exact time yesterday i got so stressed out that i had tears running down my face and im not afraid to say i did.............the strees just got to me i couldnt hold it back anymore...................it seems like people are better off without me because i just make everything worse so for now im just going to go back to the way i was two years ago and not talk to anyone and just stay to myself it will be better for people and easyer for me....................

-_end_-

 

 see people in this world think life is worth anything and that they would do anything to be alive...........well to me life is not worth anything and im not afraid to say it..........its like if i die tomarrow then o'well i die.......im not afraid to die because know matter what were gonna die at some point.........some people kill their selfs, some people die of natural causes, some people get murdered........its a fact that you will die at some point and you cant control that............well im not afraid if it happens it happens..............some days i wish i was dead but im not.......to tell you the truth i dont think im gonna live a long life but i really dont mind........my end is gonna be here shortly but whatever........i would rather be dead than be on this place we call earth!!!!!!!!

addiction........love

for some reason i cant let go of thing like im addicted..........i dont know why im like this but i cant control it, its like is it just me or not but like i cant let go especially this on thing i cant let go of no matter what i do its like cant i be happy and be with the person i love so much...............i just wanna be happy thats all...........i mean i may not be the perfect person but i can show that i can care and show love but right now i cant show anyone because i dont have anyone............the one i want i cant have, and i dont even know the reason why........................i just wanna be happy.............

lost

have you ever had a friend who means alot to and you dont wanna lose but it seems like your losing her faster and faster every day...........well i do and im afraid im gonna lose her for good this time.......it just feels like were slowly separating and i cant stop it and every time i go to try to stop it i just make it worse and i dont know why that happens.............i dont want it to go any farther..........she is in my heart and i dont want her to leave.......i wont be able to take it, and right now im getting to the point where i cant take it anymore.......im afraid i might have to make the choise to be friends or to walk away from eachother for good and forget everything and i dont want to do that but im afraid i might have to........i dont know what to do.......im ready to leave this earth because its causing me too much pain.........this may be my last blog so im gonna say good bye and have a great life..........im sorry

winter hell

now winter to me is like a icy hell...........its to damn cold and i like to be outside to hang out with people but in the winter i cant because its to cold..........i like it when it like cool enough to wear a hoddie but right now its so damn cold i gotta wear a fuckin 30 pound coat holy shit............and another thing i hate is this damn snow........i dont feel like shoveling my drive way......its to cold ..............i want it warm again so i dont have to sit in my fuckin house all day...............fuck winter all together and all  its damn snow and ice........fuckin causes to much problems ugh fuck..............

W.T.F

you know what i fuckin hate just about more than anything is when some dumass in your school or somewhere decides that they can say "YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK" or "YOU HAVE NO BALLS" seriously WTF is wrong with them. its like how the fuck do you know........thats just gross back the fuck of you perv's.........you never seen me so yea......so if you think you can say what size i am your fuckin wrong and i should break your fuckin face in you stupid bitch im done..........like i said im not holding my self back anymore...........................

moods........

 i hate when people get moody and just fuckin go off on you outta no where especially to a friend..........i mean if you wanna lose a friend then go ahead but alot of thing get me mad.......more mad than anyone yea i know im fucked up get over it.......i hate when people go off on me for no god damn reason WTF..........THEIR FUCKIN LUCKY because normally i will go right back off on them and then probably punch something............but in school i hold it back.........if people thing they can go off on me and i will go hide in a dark corner well their fuckin wrong and if you dont belive me come try me i dare you..............i dont put up with STUPID SHIT...........i just dont so fuckin stop..........................just like i said in my other blog im dont.......be prepared im not holding my self back anymore!!!!!!!!!!

[ un_certainty ]

right now I'm uncertain if what i want is what i actually want or if its right for me.......i don't know if i should give up and move on..........i think that might be the right thing for me..........but the thing is every time i try to move on i get flashbacks of all the good memories, and it makes me break down and not be able to move on.............all i wanna do is be happy again, i haven't been that happy since the beginning of the year last year..........i just don't know what to do, every thing right now is bad to the point i don't wanna come to school, i don't wanna talk my friends.........I don't even want to get out of bed that's how bad it is and its so stressful and the meds are not working.....not doing what they should be doing............if i cant stop this dark cloud from hovering over me then i don't know whats gonna happen all i know is that it will be bad...........i try my hardest not to show my feeling because i don't want people to see me like this........and i try so so hard not to hurt people but somehow i do and then i feel really bad about it..........I'm gonna move on whether it kills me or not maybe it will put me out of my misery..................................i just cant take this shit anymore..........................