I miss Him

As you may have seen in my last post, my uncle passed away..............My uncle was a good man but he just got in the wrong group, my uncle died on October 8Th 2011 at 2 Pm with his mom and brothers and sisters around him as he took his last breaths,  I loved my uncle so much, i know that i didnt see him much, and that i think was the worst mistake i have ever made in my life and i will regret it for the rest of my life..............what kills me is My grandma said that before he had died he had asked for me, he wanted to see me before he died..............and i failed him!!!!!!  i didnt make it there in time.............I let him down!!!!!!!!  I never got to say good bye to him and tell him i loved him..................i wish he wasnt gone!!!! i miss him so god damn much....i will never go a day with out thinking about him and he will always be in my life!!!!!!



In loving memory of James (jimmy) Roach

I love you Jimmy, i'll miss you so much and im sorry I never came and visit. And im so so sorry I couldn’t make it to see you before you passed like you wanted, Im sorry Jimmy.  I will always be thinking about you and you will always be in my Heart!!!!!!  Rest In Peace

I Love You Uncle Jimmy!!!!!

Childish Bullshit

Hey guys its been awhile since ive updated this but i promiss you this, im gonna be updating this at least twice a week. well here you go..................last night (thursday) i was on facebook talking to a friend and this girl named "Destiny Rai" wrote me and said that we dont like you, stop tryin, leave us alone, and i was like what in the hell!!!!! and then i said i aint tryin shit all im trying to do is make new friend, well we get into it and i lost it, this childish bullshit need to stop, people need to GROW UP.......I dont like to get to that point i got to last night, it really puts to much stress on me and i dont need that in my life especially at this point in time!!!!!  Ive been through alot of stuff in the last few months and one thing just about destroyed me and that was my uncle passed away, and i loved him so much and i still cant believe he is gone, and i havent gone a day without thing about him, i miss him so much, i just dont need anymore stress in my life at the moment, i just wish people could listen to that for once!!!!!!!!!!

back!!!!

well havent been on here in a while because school got out and the stress went away. and i actually feel good, i mean like i feel happy which is a big change for me. i hope it stays this way because i like it. well i guess i will be back soon to write more so dont worry ill be back see ya soon!!!!

Stay Strong

If you feel lost and alone
You must remove your blinders and see!
There are allies stationed around you,
Legions of light poised to stave off interference
And an endless supply of Love to anoint your every scrape and scar.

If you feel that you have been cast adrift in murky waters
You must turn your gaze in another direction!
There are shafts of brilliance penetrating the darkness,
Beacons of light sweeping the horizon
And a beckoning doorway to safe passage and the comfort of deep home.

If you feel a mismatch to your very existence
Tethered to oppressive ballast while true attachment eludes you,
Held at bay just outside the open doorway to your dreams
Shackled to ancient pain that feels not of your own making
You must choose a different way!
There are armies of support waiting patiently beyond the limits of your imagination,
Formless forces ready to work through the night to soothe your unsettled being
Deftly stitch the tattered strings of your heart
Resuscitate a spirit wan and pale
And reweave a soul wearied by compromise.

Every misstep is worthy of forgiveness,
For every drama, the curtain falls and order is restored
Resolution peeks out from behind a rusted gate
Eager to clasp hands with conflict and confrontation.

Creation in all its infinite glory has not forsaken you
The skies teem with every manner of assistance you have ever dared to pray for!
Etched upon each is your name and eternal address,
The spark that ignites your reborning but this:

Your cry: I am ready!

Painfully Alone

You lay there crying yourself to sleep, with no one there next to you.
Why do you wait and hope? What is it that keeps you here?
Talking to an empty bed, an empty room, an empty house.
Not understanding where we've gone wrong.
Drifting so far apart, it's hard to see.
Too close to each other some might say, loosing the way I perceive.
Pain, hurt and love all mixed into one.
This lonely heart is aching.

How I Feel

Does anyone know
How I feel?
Feeling so alone
And so empty
My eyes are blank and my smile is fake
You can't just read me
You just have to know me
The tears that escape me
As I remember all the things
That went wrong
Or what it could of been like
On the outside I smile
On the inside I feel so dead to the world
Like I'm invisible
Not worth knowing
Useless and pointless
I lay awake for hours on end
Wishing everything away
I ask god
Why me?
Why do I have to suffer
For someone else's stupidity
God
What am I to you?
Someone you can toy around with
Someone you can hurt?
Well guess what God
I'm done!
I just want to disappear
And cry
Like spurting blood
Why is it I can bleed to death
But I can't cry to death?
I'm trying so hard
To gain control
Over what was once mine
My life
I feel like I don't matter
I feel like I'm better off dead
Better off not existing
Better off without love...

Lost

What do you call it when all you feel is pain?
When your loved ones look at you and all you feel is shame?
When your tired of living and playing this game?
when you know your life is meaningless and your the only one to blame?


What do you call it when the hurt is in your soul?
When you smile and laugh but you know its all a show?
When you feel like you've hit your all time low?
When nothing makes you happy and the darkness around you grows?


What do you call it when you feel so alone?
When your in your house but it don't feel like home?
When you look back in your life and every choice you made now seems wrong?
When the wait to die seems too long.

Failure

Never take for granted
the things that you have
for someday they might be gone
leaving you feeling like crap

its no ones fault
that she just doesnt love you
she loves someone else
but i cannot say who

his name makes me sad
angry and upset
she doesnt understand
shes just his little pet

i have no choice
but to give you your space
no matter how i feel
i can only sit in one place

i love more then life itself
and with you gone
all i can do is cry for help

im running out of time
before i expire
i hope the best for you
its time to retire

the deeds been done
now all i can do is wait
i hold your picture close
and cry till The End

 
thats the time
that i become a statistic 

that was so simplistic

A Pact

There are several ways to seal a pact:
With words most accurate and exact,
Stiff backed by unemotional feelings,
These promises half-baked in ignorance
And resulting from the fatal inability to act,
Mere gestures and inferences made towards
Something vague and incoherent,
The eyes will still finally close, eventually blink.
Not possessing this ability to act rationally
Or even to think clearly, my actions
And thoughts for the evening ahead
I cannot guess.
I’m open to: the casual, the loose,
The misconstrued, the obtuse
And the hangman’s noose.
Save me,
Confuse me,
Endanger me,
I’m open to whichever you chose.

My Pain

A candle flickers softly,
Somewhere out in space,
Shedding light upon the world,
Yet I am held in darkness's embrace,
I struggle to break free,
Of the chains that bind me to this life,
Yet I am bound forever,
To walk in endless strife,
My emotions flood around me,
Swallowing me in their depths,
Yet my heart's an empty shell,
There is no feeling left,
My body is numb with the pain,
Of endless indecision,
I don't know what's right or wrong,
I don't what I'm missing,
I walk only to be lost,
In the changes that come,
While everyone else finds their way,
In the cold that leaves me numb,
I seem to be always alone,
No one there to whom I can confide,
I'm trapped in this pain,
But it's the only place I can hide,
I want to run free,
To laugh and dance and sing,
Yet my life is not my own,
I'm bound on puppet strings,
I try to make every one happy,
Because I love to see them smile,
Yet nothing goes right,
It backs fires with every trial,
The pain I feel is brought on by me,
It's only in my mind,
But why does it seem, Pain in my heart is what I find,
I guess I'm just delirious,
No one else feels this way,
But I just wish...
Things could go right for just one day,
A day when every one smiles,
When pain is never felt,
A day for joy and for life,
When death is never dealt,
But that day will not come,
Because all I can do is cry,
Hoping my pain will melt away,
Or that I would die.

Path Of Life

Some old friends cross paths
sometime in their life, but some never do.Sad but true!

If our way of life separates us through time,
you never know what might happen so keep this in mind.

No matter what you do,
Which way you decide to go
always remember that you have a friend
who loves you dearly and true.
Life might get tough,
not go the way you want it to,
so just think back in time,
the time of you and I.Life might seem hard now,
but it's not even close of what might come.

Be true to yourself and to your heart,
grab life by the horns and never look back,
because if you do, you might regret a part.

That's the lesson for the day, for this time in life,
it just might bring you closer
to your happiness, instead of apart.

Picture

I'll paint you a little picture
I'll paint it with a twist
I'll paint it with a razor
I'll paint it on my wrist

and like so many others
who've seen all my painyou'll simply feel sorry
and then walk away

and when my arm's all bloodied
all bloodied and torn
you'll see all my sadnessyou'll see all the harm

My Hatred Feelings

I have enough stress in my life with stuff at home and then school, I just dont need anything else put on my shoulders, Im not sure if i can handle anymore of this shit i put up with. I know i bring stuff on myself but i can fix that, well lately I've been feeling the stress building up inside me, and its really bothering me and im afraid if i dont release it something bads gonna happen.  But i dont know how to release it. Im afraid im gonna hurt someone and i dont want that to happen.... I know what im capable of and i know if that part comes out their will me know return, Ive already fucked  alot of stuff up in my life, and im still fixing it, I dont wanna screw anything else up,  I just wish i could go back in time and change everything that i fucked up on, I just wanna live a good life but where i stand now my life is just gonna get worse........I just think at the place i stand now im not gonna live a very long life, I even used to think about killing myself at times, People just dont really know who i am.......because i hide the true me because its a pitiful sight that no one should ever see, but one day its gonna come out because i dont think i can keep it hidden much longer. I hate hiding the true me.....Fuck This Shit...........                                                                                   (I Need A Smoke)

Painfully Secret

A secret is a secret, but when you have your best friend keeping so many secrets from you it gets frustrating. I absolutely hate secrets. Their so stupid, you shouldn't have to hide things, especially when your best friend is hiding things from you. I always thought that a best friend can tell you anything, but for like me it gets me really pissed when people hide things from me. Like if you tell me something I don't like ill probably get mad, but if you hide it from me it will get me really pissed. I think that secrets are total bullshit. I think if someone is hiding so much from me their not a true friend and defiantly not a best friend. People who keep secrets from you and or hiding things from you just need to grow up.... I guess i just cant trust people anymore, well if people wanna keep secrets and or hide thing then so be it, just don't do it around me because I'm not taking this stupid shit anymore, I will knock your ass out!!!

Walking In The Rain

The sound of rain coming down is a peaceful and soothing sound. To those who are like me, who thinks rain represents a sad dark mood.  I walk down this lo9ng dark road as this rain comes down upon me, Im drenched.... As I walk down this long dark road, I think about how I think im a failure and a disappointment to my friends and Family. This life that i live is a huge disappointment to my family and friends, but also a huge disappointment to me.  This long dark rainy road feels like it is the only place i could show my feelings and be myself.  This long dark rainy road feels like a never ending road that one you are in it, you never can get out, this is eternal and always will be....

Un-True Friends

The people i think are my friends are i guess not my real friends.  I guess im just gonna be a loner for the rest of my life. All i want is to have a real and true friendship, thats all i want but i dont think that will happen. The people i call my friends just hide things from me, im always the one that is left out. I tell them everything, i dont hide anything from them, I try so hard to stay friends with them, but i guess they just dont care.  I hate when people hide things from me, especially when the people i call my friends hide things from me. I just cant take being left out of everything and people hiding things from me,  I just want this hiding things from me and being left out of everything.  Im just to exuasted to try anymore im done with it, If your gonna hide everything from me, then dont be my so called friend, Im not dealing with the stress anymore....

My Brother

The Army took my brother,
and turned him into a man,
as he learned how to fight,
along with new commands.
Guns and blood.
Medals and awards.
The only thing that's changed,
is his love for a Gun.
He fights for our freedom,
and never accepts defeat.
He is a trained American Soldier,
A savior's what it means.
The Army took my brother,
and turned him into a man.
He is a hero of our country,
My brother, and my friend.

A Soldier

There is discipline in A Soldier

you can see it when he walks,

There is honor in A Soldier

you hear it when he talks.

There is courage in A Soldier

you can see it in his eyes,

There is loyalty in A Soldier

that he will not compromise.

There is something in A Soldier

that makes him stand apart,

There is strength in A Soldier

that beats from his heart.

A Soldier isn't a title any man

can be hired to do,

A Soldier is the soul of that man

buried deep inside of you.

A Soldier's job isn't finished after

an 8 hour day or a 40 hour week,

A Soldier is always A Soldier

even while he sleeps.

A Soldier serves his country first

and his life is left behind,

A Soldier has to sacrifice what

comes first in a civilian's mind.

If you are civilian -

I am saying this to you.....

next time you see A Soldier

remember what they do.

A Soldier is the reason our land

is 'Home of the free',

A Soldier is the one that is brave

protecting you and me.

If you are A Soldier -

I am saying this to you.....

Thank God for EVERY SOLDIER

Thank God for what YOU do!

LOVE LOST

Void, empty, hollow inside
My dreams have fled, my hopes have died
Existence has no reason
Life's just passing with each season

She was my life, my hope, my love is gone,
 passed by thereof
The hurt is such no one should bear
What's to life, why should I care?

I weep all night for my love gone
My heart is sick, for death I long
Mine eyes well tears for love that's lost
I'll mourn always for the great cost

But in each day i give myself hope,
 Strengthen me so I may cope
Grant me wisdom to help me see
Thy great way and not just me.

Emotional Pain

Emotional Pain
No one to love,once again.
Watching you act like nothing happened.

Makes my tears a secret   eternal rain.

I almost wish it didn’t end.

For I’m afraid I feel an unbearable pain.

Again..

Wish I had you in my arms again.

Like no harsh words said.

This is what my heart feels.

With unchanging motion.

I truly am sorry fo the pain you feel.

Just only hope in time, we’ll both heal

I Dont Even Know At This Point......

I feel the pain and darkness coming back, I wont be able to handle it.......i know i want be!  My life is full of pain and loneliness..........the thing i do are not right, I'm smart but yet i don't act like it, i have potential but i just throw it away, My life is bad.........i lie to people about stuff in my life so it makes my life look good.......i put a smile on my face to make me look happy when really inside I'm falling apart, i am just a nervous wreck that cant be controlled, i am a freak and this pain and feelings i have are to overwhelming.............i cant take it anymore and i wont take it anymore................I'm taking my final stand even if it means i lose my life, but i don't care anymore my like is already done with!!  All i ever wanted is a happy life. My love has disappeared............My addiction has been shown to my friends and family, But this is what you should know..........This is my Final Addiction as my heart has grown still and i slowly head into eternal darkness........My life is over.........I'm gone for good

The best friend a man has in the world may turn against him and became his enemy.  His son or daughter that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful.  Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our good name may become traitors to their faith.  The money that a man has, he may lose.  It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most.  A man’s reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action.  The people who are prone to fall on their knees to us in honor when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our heads.

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that is never ungrateful or treacherous is his dog.  A man’s dog stands by him in prosperity and in poverty, in health and sickness.  He will sleep on the cold ground, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near his master’s side.  He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer; he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounter with the roughness of the world.  He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince.  When all other pieces, he is a constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.

If fortune drives the master forth an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against his enemies.  And when the last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and is body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by the graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but open in alert watchfulness, faith and true even in death.

School {yet Another Problem}

Well I'm kinda pissed off at this school,  well here is the story, on Monday I'm sitting in lunch having a pretty good day especially since it was a Monday.....well i was sitting in lunch having a good time and you know how some girls like to bite people (yea i know its weird) but my friend bit me and it like left a nasty lookin mark but it didn't bleed so i was not worried but when we where walkin out of lunch i was lookin at her and saying holy shit look at this bite mark you left.........well the janitor stops us and calls over the schools police officer over  and I'm sitting their saying theirs nothing wrong and their all making it a big deal well they said to go to the office and I'm sitting their sayin wy their is nothing wrong and by that time i was pissed the fuck off so we go to the office and that cop was just yelling at me saying he should arrest me I'm like dude don't fuckin touch me i didn't do one god damn thing wrong............well we go into the principle office and he ask me what happened and i told him well he decides to give me a god damn ASA and he gave it to me on a Friday well i can say this I'm not fuckin going to that Damn ASA so I'm like super pissed and this just gives me another reason to hate this god damn school...............FUCK THIS SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feelin Good!!!

lately i've been thinkin alot and i have to say so far this week i've had a good week and im suprised because i havent really had a good week in about a year ive been down and to myself i had a dark and rainy cloud over my head for about this whole year and this week that dark cloud has disappeard and i feel free, and the stress has been let free...........i cant even describe the way i feel right now!!!!! the darkness that surrounded me is gone, it left me and i hope it left me for good but i just have a gut feeling this is not gonna last long i just know and this has happened to me is the past and it never lasts long but im hoping this will last longer because i dont like the feelings and thoughts i have when im surrounded by this unknown darkness that traps me inside of it.........its like a never ending dark tunnel and i see the light at the end of the tunnel and i start running but it always just seems to get farther and farther away i just cant reach it no matter what i do...........i just wanna get out of the darkness and stay out but it always comes back to get me, i just want it to go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vineyard Student Union......

The vineyard student union is my church and has been my church for the past 11 years..............this church means alot to me and all the people in it like zak stegman and mark hand and those two guy are probably the coolest guys i have ever met and i look up to them.........they are not just my friends i consider them family and always will no matter what happens!!!!! this will alway be my church, i may have done some stupid stuff in the past and im sorry for that stuff and i know it made people lose trust in me and im try so so hard to earn that trust back and i will not stop untill you guys have full trust in me........this church is my home, my all time favorite place to be.........i love what i do their!!! and i never wanna stop doing what i do......i wait all week just do go to the church so i can do what i love to do and i feel like people actually care about me at the student union.......but in the last few months i feel like people dont like me and dont want me their........i came to this church because i felt alone and the church made me feel like i wasnt alone but now im starting to feel alone again........i love this church but i've been thinkin about looking for a new church to start fresh but its a really hard choice to make because all i've been thro because of this church, i love this just but i feel like im unwanted there so at this point i dont know what to do, and what choice to make.........i just need time to think about it............

Writting On The Wall

Maybe we, why don't we Sit right here for half an hour
We'll speak of what a waste I am And how we missed your beat again.
I swear we need to find some comfort in this run down place
To bridge the gap of this conscious state that we live in
And I'm short on time
How come you try that brings us home to fit the shape of and I pray for
What they tell you
You to move on, move onbut mostly what they show you
At this rate we can't keep up
I'm taking back all the things I've said
I'm taking back all the things I've said
But I sure can't just sit still Keep me filled in and i swear I'll come
We walk alone We walk alone We walk alone
Back home
Alone, Back home
You're almost gone and I'm okay ,I still see your shadow
To give you time to be afraid But never your face again
I remember your presence
I hope to God you come down I hope to God you feel this now
I hope to God you come down
I hope to...God
I know there must be some way out of here
And all of them will be waiting there.......

something new

today we are in this new building for school, and people said that you should be happy that we got this brand new school and that this building changes everything well i just gotta say thats bullshit...........i was unhappy with the old school because it was dirty but thats not really the reason i dont like this school......i dont like mt.healthy all together because the kid are a bunch of stupid fucks they are mean and rude and very disrespectfull so thats wy i hate this school and just because we moved into a new school doesnt change anything because all we are doing is getting a new box to be trapt in and with the same stupid fucks as before so moving into a new school doesnt change a damn thing...............

fake

i hate when people say your fake like do they know how stupid they sound like how can a person be fake a person is who they are and someone called me fake so i guess that means im fake hell no im not fake im who i am so ppl need to get that in their god damn head before i put it in their dumb ass heads.......i just gotta say ppl who call other people fake need to go and rot in hell you stupid mutha fuckers.........

old times

 

lately ive been thinkin about my old friends and i wish they were here because i know i can trust them and i know that they are true friends.........................the people who im around now dont really act like their my friends...........to me its more of their just people i know.  and after people act like their my friends and then sit thier and turn on me.........i dont trust anyone so i push people away not because i dont trust them but because i cant trust them...................most of the people i know want to be your friend so they can get stuff from you basicly use you..............................................so their not true friends and another reason i push people away is because its like i cant be myself, i have to act the way they want me to act................well if i have to act a certain way to be someones friend then i would rather not have friends because i am wo i am and no one is gonna change that!!!!!!  its just like why should i have to sit here and pick out people i can trust and i shouldnt have to but apparently i do in this fucked up place we call home but wahtever i am who i am and it will always be like that and if you dont like that then FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!

"Part of dreaming is accepting the reality that not all your dreams come true, and hope is having faith that the dreamn that dont come true will come true"

its not over

My tears run down like razorblades and no, I'm not the one to blame: it's you or is it me?
And all the words we never say come out and now we are all ashamed. And there is no sense
In playing games, when you've done all you can do.

But now it's over, it's over. Why is it over? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over,
It's over. It can't be over. I wish that I could take it back, but it's over.

I lose myself in all these fights; I lose my sense of wrong and right. I cry, I cry. I'm
Shaking from the pain that's in my head. I just want to crawl into my bed and throw away
The life I'd led. But I won't let it die. But I won't let it die.

But it's over, it's over. Why is it over? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over,
It's over. It can't be over. I wish that I could take it back.

[x2]
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart.
Don't say this wont last forever.
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart.
Don't tell me that we will never be together.
We could be over
And over, we could be forever.

It's not over. It's not over, it's never over, unless you let it take you, it's not over,
It's not over, it's not over, unless you let it break you. It's not over

>>>>>>

i just wanna go and walk somewhere and just keep walking untill i can get as far away as posible and maybe try to start a new life because i have a feeling that it will be better for me because my life right now is full or lies and stress and pain and to tell you the truth i cant handle it.....................i wish i could reverse the effects that were caused by me. i hurt people i shouldnt have hurt in a billion years i broke the promise i wrote to myself  and i should be punished for it.......................but i gotta say this.........the people i hurt i just wanna say im sorry for what i caused and i dont blame you if you hate me and done wanna have anything to do with me i dont blame you but i am really sorry i hope you can forgive me but if not its okay, i just lose it sometimes and i cant control myself.....................well i have a feeling i may have just ruined want i have worked so hard on to get............but i guess i will have to start over but i will start over with all new people, i just have to move on because i just have to its better for me...........................................

easyer

i wish life could be easyer because it would make it a hell of alot better for me.........right now its really hard for me to do anything, i keep on fucking things up but really im just trying to make things better but i end up making it worse, like at this exact time yesterday i got so stressed out that i had tears running down my face and im not afraid to say i did.............the strees just got to me i couldnt hold it back anymore...................it seems like people are better off without me because i just make everything worse so for now im just going to go back to the way i was two years ago and not talk to anyone and just stay to myself it will be better for people and easyer for me....................

-_end_-

 

 see people in this world think life is worth anything and that they would do anything to be alive...........well to me life is not worth anything and im not afraid to say it..........its like if i die tomarrow then o'well i die.......im not afraid to die because know matter what were gonna die at some point.........some people kill their selfs, some people die of natural causes, some people get murdered........its a fact that you will die at some point and you cant control that............well im not afraid if it happens it happens..............some days i wish i was dead but im not.......to tell you the truth i dont think im gonna live a long life but i really dont mind........my end is gonna be here shortly but whatever........i would rather be dead than be on this place we call earth!!!!!!!!

addiction........love

for some reason i cant let go of thing like im addicted..........i dont know why im like this but i cant control it, its like is it just me or not but like i cant let go especially this on thing i cant let go of no matter what i do its like cant i be happy and be with the person i love so much...............i just wanna be happy thats all...........i mean i may not be the perfect person but i can show that i can care and show love but right now i cant show anyone because i dont have anyone............the one i want i cant have, and i dont even know the reason why........................i just wanna be happy.............

lost

have you ever had a friend who means alot to and you dont wanna lose but it seems like your losing her faster and faster every day...........well i do and im afraid im gonna lose her for good this time.......it just feels like were slowly separating and i cant stop it and every time i go to try to stop it i just make it worse and i dont know why that happens.............i dont want it to go any farther..........she is in my heart and i dont want her to leave.......i wont be able to take it, and right now im getting to the point where i cant take it anymore.......im afraid i might have to make the choise to be friends or to walk away from eachother for good and forget everything and i dont want to do that but im afraid i might have to........i dont know what to do.......im ready to leave this earth because its causing me too much pain.........this may be my last blog so im gonna say good bye and have a great life..........im sorry

winter hell

now winter to me is like a icy hell...........its to damn cold and i like to be outside to hang out with people but in the winter i cant because its to cold..........i like it when it like cool enough to wear a hoddie but right now its so damn cold i gotta wear a fuckin 30 pound coat holy shit............and another thing i hate is this damn snow........i dont feel like shoveling my drive way......its to cold ..............i want it warm again so i dont have to sit in my fuckin house all day...............fuck winter all together and all  its damn snow and ice........fuckin causes to much problems ugh fuck..............

W.T.F

you know what i fuckin hate just about more than anything is when some dumass in your school or somewhere decides that they can say "YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK" or "YOU HAVE NO BALLS" seriously WTF is wrong with them. its like how the fuck do you know........thats just gross back the fuck of you perv's.........you never seen me so yea......so if you think you can say what size i am your fuckin wrong and i should break your fuckin face in you stupid bitch im done..........like i said im not holding my self back anymore...........................

moods........

 i hate when people get moody and just fuckin go off on you outta no where especially to a friend..........i mean if you wanna lose a friend then go ahead but alot of thing get me mad.......more mad than anyone yea i know im fucked up get over it.......i hate when people go off on me for no god damn reason WTF..........THEIR FUCKIN LUCKY because normally i will go right back off on them and then probably punch something............but in school i hold it back.........if people thing they can go off on me and i will go hide in a dark corner well their fuckin wrong and if you dont belive me come try me i dare you..............i dont put up with STUPID SHIT...........i just dont so fuckin stop..........................just like i said in my other blog im dont.......be prepared im not holding my self back anymore!!!!!!!!!!

[ un_certainty ]

right now I'm uncertain if what i want is what i actually want or if its right for me.......i don't know if i should give up and move on..........i think that might be the right thing for me..........but the thing is every time i try to move on i get flashbacks of all the good memories, and it makes me break down and not be able to move on.............all i wanna do is be happy again, i haven't been that happy since the beginning of the year last year..........i just don't know what to do, every thing right now is bad to the point i don't wanna come to school, i don't wanna talk my friends.........I don't even want to get out of bed that's how bad it is and its so stressful and the meds are not working.....not doing what they should be doing............if i cant stop this dark cloud from hovering over me then i don't know whats gonna happen all i know is that it will be bad...........i try my hardest not to show my feeling because i don't want people to see me like this........and i try so so hard not to hurt people but somehow i do and then i feel really bad about it..........I'm gonna move on whether it kills me or not maybe it will put me out of my misery..................................i just cant take this shit anymore..........................

support or don't support......

you know I'm the kind of guy who takes things really hard and I'm stubborn and im not going to change but if someone asked me if i supported their decision........it all depends on what the decision is like if my best friend asks if i support her decision about maybe going back out with her ex who i seriously don't like.......yea she is my best friend but I'm not going to support that i just cant..............knowing her she is going to get mad at me for  writing this but i don't want any part of this................sorry but I'm not going to be involved with this shit....................I'm not going to support this.............